Who Am I? Who I Am.

I’ve been listening.
I’ve heard every word.
I know you’re worried about me.

Nothing is really wrong.  There’s not a particular reason for you to be worried about me.  But the fact is…you are worried about me.  And I appreciate it, and I’ve been listening, and it’s time for me to say words.

I’ve had this post on my mind for a while now, but tonight it’s on my heart and I believe the words will come.

I wrote a post a while back about me breaking up with my guitar (here).  Since that post, a lot of people have asked me where I’m playing, when I’ll be playing again, and similar questions.  Well, it’s time to break my silence.  You see…the answer is simple:

No time soon.

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My guitar, a seeming extension of my body for so many years is now in it’s case, gathering dust, in a corner of my home.  I’ve had an amputation.  That extension of my body has been removed.  Now, I’m not saying that my love for music has gone the way of the dinosaurs; truthfully, I’ve never enjoyed listening to music more in my life (even now, I’m letting an instrumental version of One Direction‘s “Story of My Life” wash over me like a orchestral overflow) .  But as far as making music, writing lyrics, or singing lead/original music is concerned…the passion is gone.  The fire is out.  The desire is dead.

I’m sure these words will scare some of you more than my silence.  To be honest, I’ve had a hard time dealing with them myself.  I’ve defined myself by my music and my love for music for nearly over twenty years!  And now…I’m not going to anymore?  Whoa.  That’s heavy…

I’ve had some trouble dealing with this.  It’s hard to swallow.  I owe a lot of credit to my friendapist.  I’m not sure she ever said this out loud, but she said enough to get my wheels turning which brought me to the epiphany.  Aren’t epiphanies great?!?  I mean…reallly, REALLY great!  If it’s the right one at the right time, a good epiphany is like a successful surgery.  The cancer of clouded vision is gone and replaced by clear flowing thoughts and freedom.  Heart yums!

So here is what I realized, why it’s okay that after twenty-some years I’m telling my guitar we’re through.  You see, for those twenty-some years I have introduced myself this way: “Hi, my name is Maggie, and I’m a musician”.  And thats great, and thats a talent I’ve been given, but it creates a problem.  A problem I didn’t recognize until l watched a brilliant “I Am Second” video.  Click here to watch it.  And please…watch it.  I think it will change your life.

You see, I’ve spent all this time defining myself in that way.  But that’s not a good definition.  That’s not the true definition of me.  After watching this video, I started realizing something slowly but surely.  A little spark caught on the edge of a piece of sheet music and started to burn.  Soon it was a raging wild fire ablaze across the pages of music I’d used to fill myself up with.  And that’s when it hit me.

 

“Hi.  I’m Maggie.  And I’m God’s.”

I’ve heard it all my life.  I would say I’ve believed it all my life.  But understanding it has absolutely blown my mind.  I am not defined by what I’m good at, or what I look like, or what I drive, or where I work.  I am defined by the God of the Universe who created all things and works in all things for my good.

That’s my definition.  That is who I am.

That is why (sweet people I love) I have not been playing at church.  And will not be anytime soon.  I’m learning how to be this new person.  How to be God’s.  Just God’s.   I have also realized, eventually it will go like this: “Hi, I’m Maggie, I’m God’s.  And I’m a musician.”  But I can’t miss that second step and jump to the third or I’ll end up right back where I started.  So for now.  I’m just Maggie.  I’m just God’s.

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I really hope this doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.  And I’m a little horrified that some people will leave me behind since I’m less entertaining now.  But this is me.  I’m struggling with it right now.  In a moment of rare and sincere Baptist honesty…I’m currently emotionally devastated with a lot of things.  I feel abandoned in a lot of different ways with this realization that I need to throw everything and all I am on The I Am.  And in a unique defense mechanism I have developed for myself, I am pulling away from God, afraid if I look Him in the eyes He will see what everyone else is seeing and pull away as well.  Therefore, I am hiding from the one thing that would actually benefit me most in this time in my life.  But that’s not anything you can help with.  That’s His job.  And He’s real good at it.

I got off track…

I’m struggling with adjusting to this new identity.  I miss my old six-stringed appendage.    But this new definition sets me more free than my guitar ever did.  Even with the fear, and the struggling, and the doubt, and disappointment and devastation…I feel more free than ever to look at every situation, every person, every part of me and say, with the confidence of Jesus Himself:

“Hi.  I’m Maggie.  And I’m God’s.”

I love you all, even if I haven’t met you.
Look for more words from me.
Less lyrics.
More love.

Version 2

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