Thank You But…

One of my biggest fears in life…is sounding arrogant.  It petrifies me.  So I have a hard time accepting compliments whether its on my outfit, something I did for someone, or a blog post.  

But I don’t want to be someone who can’t take a compliment.

I have received some amazing compliments on my writing in the past few days.  I am grateful.  I have always loved writing whether it be songs or prose.  My daddy has always told me that I write the first well…and latter better.  Writing is very cathartic to me.  I put all my trust in Jesus.  But I also have a single ounce of trust in words.  They get me.  I get them.  We’re friends, family, and lovers.  I’ve been blogging for a while and I’ve been writing for years, but apparently it is getting noticed through all of this.  And people are saying wonderful things about my word-painting.  And I am grateful.  And I am afraid of sounding prideful.

But I don’t want to be someone who can’t take a compliment.

But I don’t want to be someone who misses an opportunity to highlight their God.

I have been called strong.  Brave.  Powerful.  Talented.  I have received these words in simple compliments.  I have received them in sentences like, “I wish I was as ____ as you” or “you amaze me with your ___”.  And I am pleased with the fact that my words not only speak to you…they resonate within.

But

Can I tell you what I am with out Jesus?  I am scared.  I am tired.  I am broken.  I am weak.  In the knees and in heart.  I am hopeless.  And while I am working very hard to receive everything in this trial in my life with grace…I need to speak on this.  Because I believe that the people who have used these words and paid these compliments truly believe that I am in some way better than they are…or have more from Jesus than they do.  I wish I could grab these people…and slap them in love.  That’s a thing right?  I am a girl…losing her father.  Honestly, if he is miraculously healed at this point which I believe is FULLY possible…I’ve already lost him.  I’ve dealt with it, I’ve made peace with my God through all of this…and I’ve lost him even if I get him back.  I hope that made sense to you because otherwise you’re going to think I’m a horrible person.  But I can’t worry about everyone else right now.  I gotta worry about me and my relationship with my Jesus.  So there.  I am a girl…losing her father.  I am not different from someone else who has experienced a loss.  I am different or better than any someone who has lost someone.  And as far as having more from Jesus than anyone else?  My daddy has always wanted a shirt that says “Jesus loves everyone.  (But He likes me best.)”  Jesus gives everyone exactly what they need in their situation.  And everyone is different.  If I had a twin sister, and she were walking through this with me, our experiences our needs and our lessons would be completely different.  Scientifically speaking, we are the same person walking through the same loss of the same person…but our versions of it are going to be 100% unique.  How much truer then is that for unrelated people experiencing unrelated losses?

One of my favorite Bible covers my daddy has ever made me has this image on it:


The design is called “Rock of Ages”.  It is a historical sailor tatto.  These tattoos were the first of sailor tattoos to have a heavily religious element.  The main elements are the weather worn stone cross and (usually) a woman clinging onto it in a raging storm.  I loved the design.  And during this time in my life it is the most accurate description of me.  I am not standing proudly, strongly, bravely, powerfully, or very skillfully on the rock of my foundation.  I am slowly sinking beneath the waves and holding on to it with every ounce and fiber of my being.  That is where I am.  I again am weak, scared, broken, and empty right now.

But…

I serve a God.  And oh…lemme tell ya’ ’bout Him.  This God I serve…He can move mountains.  He can heal diseases.  He can cast out demons (or the debil if you will).  This God I serve…He can make water into wine, a feast from a picnic, and a disaster into a miracle.  This God I serve calls sinners, and fishermen, and public officials, and prostitutes His inner circle.  This God I serve doesn’t want to hang out with the people in the church built to worship Him unless they’re okay with His inner circle.  And this God I serve…He raised the dead.  Not only that…He raised FROM the dead!  He doesn’t just grab somebody’s hand and walk ’em back…He goes there Himself and comes back smiling!  

I am not going into this time with anything but Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  And that is all anyone else has ever had.  And that’s all we need.  But as one of my great faith inspirations, Corrie TenBoom says: “You never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.”

So please continue reading my words, but don’t hear strength…hear truth.

And please continue praying, but don’t expect a miracle…accept the miracle.

And please continue seeing me, but not as a rock…as a woman clinging desperately to one.

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2 thoughts on “Thank You But…

  1. I love all your words. I cry. I feel your passion. I want to write them, but I cannot. I love you and am praying for your daddy and for you, Marvelously Maggie. May our Father continue to strengthen you. Because He does say that when we pass through the waters, they will not overflow us, and when we walk through the fire, smoke won’t even be smelled on us. I don’t know how you walk through floods and fires if He doesn’t cover us with His feathers.

    • When I read your name on my comments list…my heart jumped a little bit! I think about you often. And seeing your name brought on some reflections. (Of course, based on my current situation in life, a bottle of vinegar causes big life questions…but I digress.).

      I am getting through this as sanely as I am for one reason and that reason is Jesus. But there are a lot of reasons I had Jesus in the first place. And you are one of them. Working with you in FCS created a non-church foundation on Jesus for me. And when the hard times came (and they came…and came back…and came back…) having experiences with Jesus that was not dependent on a preacher and stained glass windows…but on a sweet, smiling teacher and a classroom filled with misfits and friends made it that much easier to lean on Him when I felt like a misfit who had been abandoned by friends.

      Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot coming from you. Love you and respect you more than words can communicate. -Maggie

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