Words, My Friend. Where Have You Gone?

If I have gotten one point across in the last two weeks…I would like to think that it is this point:

Maggie Lowe loves words.

And it’s true.  It’s so true.  But being as truthful as it is…I am appalled to find myself standing here…utterly betrayed by words.  There are none.  They have abandoned me.  They abandoned me around 3:30 Monday, November 7th.  They left my side…when my father left this world.

Damn.

That one little word right there took more courage than any other word I’ve typed so far.  Because it’s a bad word.  Bad word!  But could we not say words are like pit bulls?  It’s not the animal (or in this case the word) that is bad…it’s the person that uses it.  And if we can agree on that, then can we not agree to the fact that coming from my mouth…this isn’t a bad word?

It’s a sad word.

I am 27 years old and I’m a horphan.  Before you ask…let me explain.  A horphan is someone who has lost one parent.  In other words they are half orphaned.  Therefore: horphan.  (I know it’s stupid.  Deal with it.)  I am 27 years old, my father was taken from me 20 years before I expected him to be taken.  That’s a whole grown up!  He didn’t get to meet my husband or my children.  He didn’t get to go to New York with me against his will!  He didn’t get forced to do a daddy daughter dance.  He didn’t get to watch me become a famous writer which is what he always encouraged me toward.  But of all those things that are sad for me…there is one thing I am very happy about.

He didn’t get to watch me break.

Because let me tell you something folks.  I.  Am.  Broken.  And if he wasn’t gone that would’ve killed him.  I know, because he’s watched me break before and I’ve watched that kill him.

Some of you know my whole story.  Others don’t.  And you may be wondering, “When did he see her break?”  Many of you have talked about my strength, “You’re so strong!” I was ready to end this post but I feel compelled to share my testimony at this point.  Because I don’t think I’m strong.  I just have a wreck less faith in a huge God and I also have a beautiful mask.  My sophomore year of high school, within six months I lost my dad’s mom to Parkinson’s and my mom’s mom to cancer.  My freshman year of high school, spring of 2009 I lost four dear friends from my graduating class with in a year of each other.  One to a car accident, one to cancer, one to a bizarre accident, and one to a four wheeler accident.  Then, in the next year, I lost two uncles to…themselves.  That landed us in 2012.  I lost all of those people in ten years.  And here I stand four years later having just said goodbye to my father.  My father who I was unbelieveably close to.  So that is when he saw me break.  And that is why I have had such a hard time accepting when people call me strong.

I’m not strong.  I’m experienced.

I am again out of words.  So let me leave this song here for you.  I have a few songs that have really helped me through these fourteen years of hard goodbyes. This is definitely one of them.  “When a Heart Breaks” is a beautiful song by singer/songwriter extraordinaire Ben Rector.  Check him out.  But here is my rendition of his song.

And my tribute to my father.

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